ungratitude

Today I am feeling like an ingrate. I have a big fat zit with a creamy yellow head poking out from the corner of my lip that I am scared to pop because the last time I popped a zit on my lip, it turned into a honking red bulge of spewing innards that required surgery and stitches to remove and I ended up writing a blues song and singing about it at Martuni's!

That's not the only reason why I'm an ingrate. I have wonderful things going on in my life but today I feel funky, I'm tired of the changes and they've barely even begun. I want to move and stand still at the same time. Have you ever been in that place? I don't feel stuck because things are happening - I'm just sick of dealing with it all right now because it all feels BIG and I don't know the outcome. I feel guilty for complaining about "dealing" when I don't have a job and am leading a rather charmed life in that regard, yet every thing is changing and it scares the shit out of me. It's making me long for work! Any kind of work! And THAT scares the shit out of me! I want change, and I want the security of what I know. I want to know what is going to happen and I want to know that everything is going to turn out great, even though it doesn't always feel great in the present.


anyway...even though I'm not feeling particularly grateful today, I am grateful I can share my true feelings even when they aren't warm and fuzzy. Maybe it will help someone some where in the universe.


I am grateful for the time when Pete held me this morning an hour before the alarm went off because it was the best sleep I got the entire night.

I'm grateful that I've left the zit alone and that maybe it will do something on it's own today. I am having an unexplainable feeling of glee as I walk around with this disgusting thing on my face. I take pleasure in making people look at it instead of cleaning myself up and destroying the evidence of imperfection the way any "normal" person would do.

I'm grateful for sugar. Yes, it's making me moody, grouchy, have headaches and get disgusting zits but I know it is going to be out of my life someday so I better be grateful for it now.

I'm grateful it's only 8:20am and I've already been up for hours. Wow - I am so grouchy today. It's great! It will be a great writing day.

I'm grateful I have another appointment with Chloe, the psychic/spiritual healer/whatever-you-want-to-call-her today. Something interesting to look forward to, and it's free!

I'm grateful I still have friends who want to be friends with me even after I blow them off or am flaky. Well, maybe they don't want to be friends with me anymore...I haven't checked but I figure, I give people the benefit of the doubt, why shouldn't I receive the same?

Is that what friendship is? No, I don't think that's a good expectation or definition of friendship, but sometimes it is necessary to cut people some slack. And since I am currently wearing my badge of imperfection proudly...I will leave it at that because now I am rationalizing and pandering to people for being myself. Yet another exciting entry in the Days of My Life...see ya.