things left unsaid

After being the independent princess mentioned in Casey's story for many years, I have been immersed in pursuing what I want, when I want it, how I want it. I've had a feeling of freedom that has pushed me forward to things I never thought I'd do or was capable of doing. I've always thought that was the magical part of life - the things that happen unexpectedly and I am always grateful for this type of magic.

This is juxtaposed with many years of feeling obligated to my parents who became my "cause", my reason, simply because they needed me to be with them when things started falling apart. That is my history that I so desperately want to move on from but the further I go towards the future, it calls me back in different ways. It is a strange thing. And it has been an interesting journey figuring out what is next.

On that note, someone said something to me yesterday that pissed me off: "I guess all bad things must come to an end..." referring to my life over the past few years. It was thrown in at the end of the conversation and it struck me - wow - this person has a warped perception of my life - or maybe it's just a different way of looking at things. They keep pulling me back to events that they see as "bad" - it disturbs me that I am a walking billboard for "bad" stuff to them, mostly because I don't see myself that way. Even when I tell them something good - it's bad.

It completely floors me when I get a glimpse into the mind of someone else, especially when I see how my life experience has been mangled through their filter. I sometimes feel sad when I see these things because I realize how unhappy people are. I guess these glimpses have helped me to clearly understand that other people's stuff is theirs and in most cases it is a waste of time to care what they think of me. It's about them, not me.

So, today I am grateful, for the person who pissed me off because they have once again brought me right back to myself. I am grateful that I find meaning in small things and that I take the time to understand why things piss me off. I am grateful for my life. I am grateful for the love that I feel for so many people. I'm grateful for everyone who is living according to their values and attempting to pave new roads with the things that are meaningful to them. And, I'm grateful that I met an amazing man who likes me the way I am!